organic.communal.creativity.

william blake

2009-10-26T21:25:00.000-07:00

what an incredible human being.

well i've never met him, nor do i know what kind of company he may have entertained, or if he practiced any bad habits or what his capactiy for loving his mother was...

however, as far as what i am discovering about his understanding of god and the universe and his ability to voice eloquent fountains of lyrical truth to relate to us the power and unlimited nature of god...he floors me. not to mention his popularity and pure genius in writing about society, about nature, about anything really...

He saw in the dogmas of the church the chains that prevented men from expressing the real and natural life within them. He attempted to explain to the society of his day that "Energy is the only life, and is from the Body; and Reason is the bound, or outward circumference of Energy."

i'm getting more and more excited to start reading the William Blake that wasn't fed to me within my study of literature...onwards to the marriage of heaven and hell

fall season means squash soups and leather jackets

2009-10-07T13:44:00.000-07:00

i bought my first leather jacket today. i was riding my bike around town and i just stopped in quickly to a second hand store to indulge my imagination. and there it was. the perfect light brown leather jacket, just the right size and fit, somehow miraculously within my price range. all set out just waiting for me to come and pick it up.

so its really feeling like fall here. i've already made my first hot, savory soup, i'm now equipped with a great riding jacket, and with the days getting shorter and shorter i'm definitely ready for harvests, feasts, gatherings and all things orange.

cheers,

b

the day i fell in love with an indian man...

2009-09-30T12:14:00.000-07:00

with every day that passes, every book i read, every person i talk with and inner argument i pose with myself, with every delicious meal with which i entertain my taste buds and with each slow, voluptuous breath of fresh morning air i am blessed to inhale, i am more and more convinced that the more i know the less i really know, and yet the one thing i do know is that god is mightily bigger, more complex, sometimes less tangible feeling, and yet more true and personal than ever before.

whether or not you believe in reincarnation, karma, a one-time existence and the domains of heaven and hell, whether or not you follow a religion or speak mantras or do not care in the least bit about the bigger purpose in life and existence- there is an undeniable truth that pervades the human experience, and that is love.

life is eternal, and no matter where you are on your journey, there is this ultimate purpose that we as humans are privileged to fulfill and experience. We get to learn how to love, we get to feel and breath and crave and create and soak in love, because when it all boils down, love inspires creation and god, our source, is comprised 100% of love; therefore we are made of it, immersed in it, in dire need of receiving it and utterly blessed to give it to others.

this past week i spent a lot of time with people who were complete strangers to me. people who have different skin, different expressions, different languages, habits, backgrounds, beliefs, dreams, hurts, preferences, and styles. we gathered together in the presence of someone who imbibes this concept of love, who desires for us to understand how and to experience it in its fullest capacity.

strangers in every sense of the word, he (the exact opposite of me) and i sat eyes locked, hand in hand, hearts beating uncontrollably, nearly chest to chest, for what seemed hours on end. we embraced the deepest core of one another, finding comfort and joy in knowing that we are both from the same source, needing the same things, sharing the same energy , connected much more intimately than we may ever have imagined. soon the unfamilar face that caused me to twinge with anxiety soon elicited laughter deep within me. his eyes, at first seemingly far away and unreachable transformed into eyes, a soul, i have known my entire life. tears worthy of only the purest joy began to stream down his cheeks as warmth began to occupy every space in my heart. i immersed myself in his arms, let myself melt into him as we held each other and rocked back and forth together in that small space of time.

i felt as if i was one with this man, this complete stranger. i felt as though everything about myself that i loved, that felt divine and good in me i could see and feel in him as well. it was like looking into the eyes of someone who has share your heart for years. trust. safety. being known. light.

i underestimated the love that i have claimed to know and give so frequently during my life. i underestimated how freeing it feels to let go of insecurities, of fears, of comfortable boxes and spaces and to let oneself merge with another soul simply by recognizing that god resides equally as much in one as the other. it sounds strange, but its perfect, actually. its the difference between understanding what a perfect mountain blizzard should feel or look like, and actually experiencing it for yourself, feeling the cold air rush down your neck, seeing the glimmer of the sunshine in each delicate snowflake, hearing the crunch of fresh packed snow beneath your boots, undressing from the layers of clothes and experiencing the heat of a raging fireplace tickle every inch of your skin...

love is what creation is all about. love is what the creator is all about. love is all we have to understand and experience, just a glimmer of the bigger picture...

colorful concentrated moments

2009-09-27T13:59:00.001-07:00

leaves practice such zen lives. they hang quietly and freely from their high vistas, soaking in the sunlight and the beauty of the earth...they grow and sing and play together until one day their strength finally subsides, their potential and existence meets its peak and... colors, their souls, explode in expressions of love and vibrancy.
they act as birds, falling effortlessly through canopies of green until the gentle lips of the stream catch them, offering respite in its cool eddies. they, thinking as fish, dive and swirl beneath the water's surface, eventually losing their colors, dissolving into one energy with the stream...

its a wonder what a few days of hiking through a forest can do to you. what a few days of intense personal destruction and transformation in the presence of an amazing human being can do for you. there are moments in life when all the colors seem to fuse together and what was once gnarled and uncomfortable dissolves away into a newer, brighter resolution.

the intensity and concentration can almost overwhelm you, and instead it brings you to the point of explosion and pain and beauty and love and compassion burst forth...

my little italy

2009-09-16T15:29:00.001-07:00

i woke up this week to a dream of italy
aromas of roasted espresso
warm sounds of gathered friends lingering over warm drinks
i listen to the symphony and shapes flowing
effortlessly off the tongues of those around me
its inside of me somewhere, deeper than i was aware

everything is a poem here in my little italy
everything has a more subtle beauty
'you have to give the milk time to relax' says lorenzo
the energy is alive, attentive
and yet everything runs a bit more slowly

salivating, my eyes roll over each brilliant colored gelato
we are all watching one another
all sharing stories, transfusing into the one great story

the evening flies by, as they always do here
the warm air is quietly stepping out the door,
not wanting to disturb the other guests whose
cheeks are still flushed from the heat, from the happiness

autumn has arrived
and there i am in my little italy once again
the smells, the sounds, the sights, the people
all the glamour of italy has rushed into me once again

only maybe it hadn't truly disappeared...

discoveries and reflections

2009-09-10T16:42:00.000-07:00

why did you hide yourself my dear,
behind your beautiful veneers, and
your shimmering, golden hair?

why were so so gripped in fear?
to protect yourself and
restrict us from being aware

of your ingenuity,
your insight
your radiant creativity and drive?

how for so long did you harbor such
self loathing and
did you not find it to be
unbearable?

why did your best expressions only trot the stage at midnight,
in secret books, secret symphonies?
why did the moon deserve to see you in your full, naked beauty?

and when will you ever see the beauty of your smile,
smile that lit the room and inspired our hearts...

why did you hide yourself my dear?

entering god

2009-09-10T15:22:00.000-07:00

"In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence...I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God". -Ephesians 3.12-19

paul is praying for something he knows already exists and has been done, or given.his hope and prayer is that we would grasp and know it (it being the kingdom of god being within us) in a real way. tangibly. not feel good stuff.

the big difference between belief and experience in gods love is an issue of the heart- both require a certain awareness and conscious activity; yet one maybe rooted on a deeper level than the other. to believe the teachings of christ and to know and understand god through his revelations, we must see the tangible results of a profound transformation of our perceptions, our actions, our lives, because of our faith and connectedness in god, creator.

our obedience to god shouldn't be necessarily rooted in our obedience to the people who consider themselves appointed by god, nor should it be to a form or a community or a building or a rule. our obedience to god should be rooted in an reflect a genuine connection and awareness of god-spirit that cannot yield anything but love, an increasing desire for him, our present working out of salvation, worship.

look at nature. the inanimate creation exists because of the same energy and intention as we do- and in its somewhat lifelessness, it can do nothing but worship and lay obedient to god. the mountains speak of god constantly, in every moment, every light, every season.

we can't ignore god. we can't ignore the people who know and experience and are enriched by their oneness with god. we can't ignore the people who aren't so connected and who are equally searching for what it is their hearts say is missing.

god has revealed the knowledge of himself, of us in him, of the existence outside of time and boundaries, through christ. and paul was plugging into something even deeper, begging us to understand just how rich and abundant and transcendent life with god can be...

the writers freedom

2009-09-07T09:10:00.000-07:00

writers block i may meet from time to time,
yet writing is what lets my spirit, my mind to fly.

if not for writing, i may have dreams, i may observe all the different scenes
yet without writing where would i be?

lost in the rhythms and the mazes that are me

writers block i may stumble upon and yet
if not for writing,
how ever else would i experience freedom

to think and process and create and reflect
to share and to wonder and practice and keep in check

all these musings, all these songs that flutter and soar
aimlessly while in my head
and more concretely when i write them of myself instead

unfiltered findings...

2009-09-06T09:51:00.001-07:00

you persist in me.
like the consistent perfect alarm of the sun's first greeting.
times scorned upon and times rejoiced over reflect
your unfailing persistence of me.

i will not die today.

i might be torn apart or worn down and yes, woe is me.
i may fall or cry in silence
but you,

you persist in me and no,

i will live today...

stimulation

2009-09-03T13:04:00.000-07:00

william blake is a name i studied and discussed at length in college. and yet i find i am just beginning to unveil the depth and meaning of his words from a different context than i found myself while at school. kahil gibran is a name i've no tangible connection to other than being associated with these raw, fire-in-my-bones sensations resulting from reading his thoughts on life, on love, on the deeper subtleties of humanity. i'm inspired and intrigued because, from what i understand of these two men, their experience of god was very much involved with the christian faith, and yet their personal explorations and cultures allowed them vastly greater perceptions, exposure and immersion in entirely different cultures than what is typically 'christian'.

here are some overviews, overlaps, over-the-counter available narrations of the potential for good and rightness in our human experience that are reminding me of the bigger picture, encouraging me in my faith, my journey, uplifting me in a time of questioning, doubting, craving, learning, exploring...words from a couple of brilliant poets that make life's quest unquestionably, simple.

on love
-we must give of ourselves to love, to "charge all things we fashion with a breath
of our own spirit"(gibran), and from this we will be most inclined to be joyful,
to forgive, to become great..
-"when love beckons to you, follow him, though his ways are hard and steep" (gibran)

on our limited experience of god
-as we make attachments to people, ideas, our bodies even, we limit ourselves.
"he who binds himself to joy does the winged life destroy; but he who kisses the
joy as it flies lives in eternity's sunrise"(blake).
-"man has no body distinct from his soul; for that called Body is a portion of ihs
soul discerned by the fire senses, the chief inlets of Soul in this age" (blake)

on struggle
-"in seed time learn, in harvest teach, in winter enjoy'(blake).

on living life to the full
-be thankful. in receiving. in eating. in working. in growing.
-"think in the morning. act in the noon. eat in the evening. sleep in the night"
(blake)

sesame seeds,almonds, a dose of zinfandel and endless possibilities

2009-09-02T22:57:00.001-07:00

in the midst of a somewhat hectic, emotional though cleansing day i will claim that in the end of it all, i love to cook.

i love to cook with wine. sometimes i'll add it to the recipe :) mix in a good dose of john coltrane, a little splash of creative juice, some serious solitude, and you've got an incredible recipe for self expression, satisfaction, and a beautiful toasted sesame almond honey chewy bar.

conversations today included personal frustrations, emotional responses, the necessity of having one's own space, of controlling one's environment and self motivation (because that's really all you have to control in the long run), the boundless nature of god and our limited understanding or exploration of the bigger god picture, time management and value, gardens and their ever momentary evolutions, business and venture capitalism, change of roles, the delight of physical exhaustion and the new moon's patient oncoming...

just a taste of tonight... thoughts inspired and mellowed by wine ought always to be recorded....

more on breath

2009-08-31T13:51:00.001-07:00

my arms stretch back as the muscles in my neck pull my head to the side and i devour the air residing in that pocket just beyond my ear. my forehead splashes back into the cool water as my shoulder turns, stretching far and my hand reaches forward launches my entire body ahead with strength and poise. bubbles explode and tickle my chin as the air continue to flow out from my nose, my chest and my mind are emptied and just at that peak moment when, for .00001 second motion ceases, the deep muscles of my abdomen contract and turn my body to the left, my arm, which knows it should stretch itself out before the sun and the sky arches back again and leads my collar bone to tell rumors to my neck muscles to follow along and...and my lunges are somehow again filled with air, that elixir of life and breath and being...

breathing in, deeply. kicking, pulling, pushing, swimming, looking turning, pushing, pulling kicking, deeply, breathing out.

the most pure, revitalizing, balancing, and calming practice. swimming is just like yoga. i can feel my entire body expand, open up, calm down as it warms up, stretch out and take in the energy it creates and expels. nothing like a cool dip in the warm morning air to free my mind, my body, to let myself go and pump and go and...breath

people make me laugh

2009-08-31T13:39:00.000-07:00

being uncomfortable has nothing to do with the people in a room, a public place, or any other open situation, and yet it has everything to do with them. everyone included.
being uncomfortable is an emotion elicited out of the fear of failure, the fear of fitting in, the fear of personal judgment or acceptance. each person in his or her respective way experiences this phenomenon to some degree, whether they announce it or not.

so being uncomfortable really isn't anyone elses issue except your own. to transcend that awkward feeling, one has to look deeply inside and recognize that each surrounding individual is probably equally or more so uncomfortable, nervous, dealing with some issue or another in their own way. thus we should all free ourselves from this stress and laugh, sharing our iniquities, our quirks, our fears and our experiments. yes?

people make me laugh for so many reasons. what they think they can get away with. how they treat other people. the silly ways that we eat, sleep, move, speak, dress, undress, fidget, breath, express, play, and engage. its beautiful. we humans love to move together. we collect in public places like coffee houses, business spaces, pubs, parks, community centers. we drive silly little cars and have some grandiose sense of our higher existence here on earth, when in reality we function very similarly to ants.
animals. butterflies. we build things. we inhabit places. we try to get close to people and we return to the same places over and over again. we try to escape people and we return to the same places over and over again.

we're all so perfectly different and so perfectly the same. its quite ridiculous. so our being uncomfortable must be replaced with our being curious. our being creative. our being givers of ourselves and gigglers with others. somehow we are blessed to inhabit this earth together, to convene in little hubs speckled all over the surface and the crevaces of this planet. we're all doing the same things, in subtly different fashions. we're all god's creatures, big & small, evolving and moving, growing slowly and yet doing very much the same...

look at us. aren't we funny?

a speck of color turned to song

2009-08-26T11:32:00.001-07:00

and there i was, engaged in creation and in color, immersed in music, steeped in though, experiencing the pulse and movement of vibration.

love is a pure vibration
and
love is
what i am needing the most. to give of it freely.
to be given it creatively.

the sun spilled across my papers and the warm breeze brought their stiff edges to life. my thirst was overwhelming but was put off by my yearning to create, to explore, to somehow nurture that small sacred portion of my soul which pleads
for color
for movement
for change

"If I speak in tongues of men and of angels but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal". -1 Corinthians 13:1

lately i've felt myself perhaps a resounding gong, a picture with no form- colors simply spread chaotically across a vast empty canvas. i spend time with my loved ones, i spend time doing those things which i love to do, yet am i truly loving others in the way that i am called to, how i desire to?

i fear my love and my service to others (be them strangers, professionals, lovers, friends, sisters, fathers, brothers, dead mothers, the empowered and the unemployed) has been lacking; therefore my most creative expectations and efforts are not reaching their full potential, their full vibration. sketches remain lifeless, social engagements and responsibilities lack their luster, the joyous giggle that results from selfless giving and love...

my painting is still far from complete, far from my satisfaction, and as we, she the muse and i the poet, the painter, the listener sit together in the afternoon heat, suddenly my paintbrush learns to skip, and my heart begins to flutter and all around me the music becomes alive
alive with song, with rejoice, with freedom
sitting leads to painting and painting leads to singing and singing can lead to nothing else but dancing and dancing leads to exuberance and....

suddenly there it all returns to silence, a brief equipoise. out of breath my hair in my face and my forehead collecting small beads of sweat. my ears are buzzing with the stillness, the vibration of love flowing through me and around me...

how many licks?

2009-08-24T10:01:00.000-07:00

i bite candy.

i want to be the kind of person who can quietly and peacefully lick, suck, and enjoy the sensation of a piece of candy, or ice, or similar items in my mouth and not have this strange desire or anxiety to bite, chew and eat it as quickly as possible.

some people are biters. others are lickers. we can all still get along and we're all still very unique and no better than the other. but i do believe that there is something wonderful about a person who can discipline themselves and really be present while they almost meditatively enjoy the sweet juice, the feeling of a candy rolling against your teeth and inner cheeks, the sensation of knowing that your little bit of deliciousness might just last longer than anyone else's in the room...

how many licks does it take YOU to get that feeling? to the CENTER of a toosie pop? what about a chocolate mint? what about a sesame covered roasted almond?

personal training

2009-08-15T18:10:00.000-07:00

its really so much more than a physical workout... as i'm laying on my sweat embalmed gym mat listening to my trainer answer my question regarding the importance of pre and post stretching, i was almost stopped in my breath with his response.

"everyone you talk to will say something different. i wouldn't believe everything that everyone says, but if he or she sounds pretty well versed in what they're speaking about and they're not preaching that this is the one and only way to do it, then i would suggest following their advice". matt from 24 hour fitness

is he talking about my hamstrings or something much deeper, much more spiritual?

words words and wisdoms coming...every-which way and every-which temperature and ever more frustrating that i can hardly hear myself think or detect the ink-ling of truth inside of me that says this is your path this is real and good, carve your own way and don't get lost in the maze of thoughts and what not's

i'm sitting beneath magnolia trees listening to all these people's musings, of love, of life, of politics, of riches, of wonders, of all these thick emotions that thunder, we all want to be known, to express ourselves, to feel love to see love to breath love

we're different but we're very much the same, we're all striving to get back to that sacred place from whence we came...lets be open to one another's creativity and create not a rigid stature of beliefs and truths but a flowing conversation of the god in me and in you...

thoughts on the prophet

2009-08-14T13:25:00.000-07:00

kahlil gibran

he speaks of embarking on a grand journey to return to the place of his birth, to return there, as a boundless drop of water returns to the boundless ocean... he wonders, at the sight of many gathering together per his departure, "shall the day of parting be the day of gathering? shall my desires flow like a fountain that I may fill their cups? am i a harp that the hand of the mighty may touch me, or a flute that his breath may pass through me?"

i know very little about this man, his writing or his background, yet in these first lines of his poetry, his heart speaks to mine through gods deep currents, the affection of his words on me is inescapable

we are all gods instruments, and as we allow his spirit to move through us and exude love, goodness, peace, hope, patience, all the fruits, we do find that our desires are met and our outpourings fill the cups of others...

psalm 23
1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

3 he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, [a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

6 Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

life is a circus...

2009-08-10T19:10:00.000-07:00

for some, this statement falls nothing short of reality.

the Ringling brother's Barnum and bailey circus recently visited san diego and having never attended or really witness any sort of live circus before i took advantage of the situation and the fact that my best friend's friend is the currently ringmaster of the entire show.

needless to say i was simultaneously fascinated, impressed, and very disturbed.
never before have i seen such an incredible display of human strength, both mind and body. gymnasts, magicians, acrobats, lion tamers, elephant riders, behind the scenes prop pushers, and ragamuffin assortment of clowns and goofballs- all these and more come together and use their incredible physical skills and creative expression to put on a stunning performance; two hours of organized chaos.

there were dogs doing back flips and belly dances, chasing owners and others in some sort of focused, synchronized, holy mess, and soon after came horses, elephants, and tigers acting the part they have tediously been trained and disciplined to act in a means to entertain and impress the masses with pizazz, creativity, and brute strength.
there were men and women executing mind boggling stunts- trapeze bars, cannonball projections, anti-gravity fliers, silk acrobatics and more...

my eyes were moving more quickly than my mind could comprehend the neural input, and as i watched, spellbound by this critical mass of people, animals, colors, sounds, i couldn't help but wonder what the real picture resembles, both off and on the stage.
the circus is more than a show..is it a real life, real career, 24 hours a day operation. children are born into the circus as their families have inherited the skills and royalty positions for generations. the entire staff, compromised of over 300 humans, let alone the dozens of live and exotic creatures who play a main role, work, sleep, eat, play, travel, rest, exist together in the one of the most tight knit, bizarre and completely intriguing communities i have ever heard of. the circus is their life, their closest and most pure reality. for those of us who linger for the two hour show and catch glimpses of the grandeur of performance life, we perhaps have little recognition of our part in the whole picture.

perhaps for some of the circus members, this lifestyle is a way out. for some its the only way. for others its the best dream they could ever imagine. humans will do anything in their reality to escape said and did reality. they will sacrifice time, money, morals, and labor to escape that itself. and us 'great' ones, who build this sort of escape in a natural response to our existence, profit from their stupidity and live the best reality. we are all- musicians, artists, seekers, growers, gypsies, go-getters, writers, students-circus freaks.

loquat babies

2009-07-31T14:47:00.001-07:00

along with a few other ideas, projects, seeds that are taking root and springing forth, the ever growing, ever exciting loquat saplings are finally growing up!!

we've taken care to nourish and protect them as they've been set in soil and now emerged into a beautiful, leafy green existence.

we're hoping to plant them around the city where we can ensure their growth and health and even community participation so that years from now we'll be able to reap their fruits and promote free foraging for everyone!

more updates later...

transformation is a mouthful

2009-07-31T14:18:00.000-07:00

a push, a breeze, a more than subtle impetus is what i need.

all my dreams, though some maybe quite quixotic, all my desires, my plans and my responsibilities, these inspirations and projects and plans and prospective inner growth always seem to gain so much strength and fervor, just like the silly rainstorms in san diego. they build build build with deep intensity, promise to deliver rain, the air temperature changes and the skies blue fades and we expect so much to come from it and...

it fizzles. a few spitting mists of atmosphere-dirty moisture that tease and torment us fall every-which-way from the sky and then its back to being 65 and sunny again.

i see this pattern in myself and it drives me crazy. because i'm tired of the sunny and 65 forecast for my journey, for my personal transformation and hunger to affect people and the world and to live the full and abundant life god intends me to live.

i want to write a book. i'm not sure what it will look like but i really want to go through that process and to hand to someone the final, creative, hopefully inspiring and somewhat accurate product and be damn proud of myself.

i want to work for a company or organization that transforms people- spiritually, emotionally, socially, environmentally.
i want to use my hands and my mind and my body and my ability to connect with people and my love for this earth and this life to really make progress in restoring the way we humans exist.
i want to plant gardens and teach people to grow good food. i want to encourage people to wear sunscreen and not waste water.
i want to read books with kids and play in cardboard boxes outside with them and give them hope and inspiration to play, to learn, to love, to seek after everything that they even unconsciously yearn for.
i want to write music and play my guitar for my own pleasure, to express my emotions and work through my thoughts, to praise god and celebrate love, sunshine, and the human experience. i want to practice more advanced finger-picking and chord structures, to push myself to master songs that i normally just sing to in the privacy of my car and not be afraid to bust them out for friends and family.
i want to be a good sister, daughter, friend, girlfriend, granddaughter, aunt, cousin, neighbor and keep up with people, affirm them, encourage, them, celebrate birthdays and anniversaries, send cookies and give more of myself.
i want to keep being the strong, athletic, driven girl that somehow i have created myself to be. i want to exercise harder, go further, stick to my disciplines, enjoy the sweat, the energy, the endorphins, the cleanse, the joy of respecting the beautiful body that god made in me.
i want to be financially stable so that i can afford to do the things in life that make it rich and god glorifying. i want my kids to have that freedom as well.
i want to own and run a cafe someday soon that explores food, people, culture, god, business, and music. i want it to be the ideal neighborhood hang out. i want it to be edgy and inviting, different but totally comfortable. profitable and educational.

i could go on.

and i think this is a great endeavor. it runs through my brain constantly and when there are moments that i forget or lose sight or step outside of my discipline and focus to get there i lose so much stamina and i get so upset.

so if you read this and you know me, come along side me. help me make the best out of even unsatisfying storms. lets breath and work and play and eat and strive to be the best we can be as humans, as god's, as each others

doing nothing when planning on doing everything

2009-07-31T13:43:00.000-07:00

sometimes i wonder if i will fail.

i often do.
i'm pretty self critical and i struggle when i think that i fail
at my own goals or being an amazing friend or being incredibly productive and
fruitful and having a sense that i have an am establishing myself in this world and beyond this world, this life. sometimes i wonder if i fail in my walk following jesus, if i fail at being a good human being, however that looks like. i can't quite seem to pick one thing and nail it, master it, feel like i gave it my all...

i definitely fail at conforming to the standards of high fashion, making obscene amounts of money, and having shallow relationships.

in my darkest hours, i allow myself to believe these subtle limericks, to beat myself up again and again for not pushing hard enough, for not being there, for not doing as much as i expect of myself or compared to my peers and mentors. i allow my impatience to influence my train of thought, and allow self deprecating emotions and thoughts to muddy my clear view and my open perspective. i find myself in these strange moments, alone and unchecked in my tangle of thoughts and actions...i allow my selfish and undisciplined nature to seize the opportunity to lavish itself in ease, luxury, unconscious decisions...

in Romans, Paul speaks about this struggle against his sinful nature, about knowing what is good, what is god's law, and yet not doing those things and hating himself for it... i guess my situation is similar, though i'm still trying to work out my opinions about the nature of man and whether all things that we do according to this are sin or what sin is really...but there's something catchy to how he says it in chapter 7: "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do".

self discipline is just that. confrontation. conscious intentional actions to see through the goals i set before myself and the traits i wish to pursue in my self.
there's harder days. i get down on myself. i loose a bit of strength and patience and self respect. i have to build it back up again, finding encouragement in prayer, meditation, focus...

...........................................................................

our little garden

2009-07-31T07:27:00.000-07:00

ironically, i've installed my garden towards the end of summer season because its taken me longer than expected to gather all the supplies and really plan out and learn how i wanted to set up a backyard garden for myself and some of my gypsy friends...

so finally, our small plot is ready...the hard, san diego clay has been tilled, nourished with compost and soaked to make a decent potting soil...tiers have been built to ensure good water flow and to give the garden a little shape and pizazz...seeds have been planted with care and with friends and hopefully in a couple of weeks we'll have the beginnings of some late summer fruits and veggies to watch and to help grow, and to enjoy, celebrating the beauty of growing our own food and sharing it in the context it was meant to be shared in...

arugula, spinach, bush beans, snow peas, tomatoes, cucumbers, beets, basil, cilantro and a few lovely flowers to give the area color and dimension

here we go, lets hope that the heat and the roommates won't kill all the seeds that have been sown...

through weather

2009-07-27T17:01:00.000-07:00

"Through weather. through weather's declensions.
Through spring's steep degrees, through five shapes of snow,
through the thunderhead's sexual green

over green geometrical acreage,
through every stromy declension
of the heart I have cried your name...

*
And what is wind
but a dialect of longing?-: the high
pressure rushing to fill the low, the sky

trying to shake its heats against the earth's
asymptotic cool, its somersaulting cools
against the earth's radiance. all weather

springs from currents of failed desire. No wonder
the wind, when it says anything at all,
howls."

-kimberly johnson, a metaphorical god

getting to the deeper things of god

2009-07-27T11:01:00.000-07:00

paul, in 1 corinthians 2, writes of god's "secret wisdom-that has been hidden and destine for our glory before time began".

i've read this verse countless times; yet i've not before now taken the time to explore what he's actually writing about. he assures readers that, had the rulers of the time understood this sort of wisdom, they would not have even thought to crucify Christ.

"no eye has seen nor ear has heard, no mind conceived what god has prepared for those who love him"

paul stretches my intrigue even further in the next line when he says, "but god has revealed it to us by his spirit, which searches for all things, even the deep things of god".

as much as we need and crave the community and the structure and the foundations that the church provides us with, as much as we have been taught that we need to follow a format and reach out in order to know god,
god is in us, with us, and is us
and we have the perfect, natural ability to access god, the energy and the wisdom and the love that is god, by our receptivity to the gift of his spirit.

"we have not received the spirit of the world, but the spirit who is from god, that we may freely understand what god has given us" (12)

isn't all of our earthly, human "wisdom" silly sometimes compared to the reality of the sacred wisdom of god? (which i believe is founded and embodied in love and obedience to him. aren't we so crafty with all of our schemes to experience god in our own way or to exercise leverage and power over one another in the name of religion and wisdom and truth?

4th of july

2009-07-27T10:54:00.000-07:00

a little late i know...

but there was something magical that happened as we celebrated our American independence this year...my friends and I all gathered on our rooftop palace with a delicious spread of savory treats, the most amazing view of downtown san diego cast against a breathtaking backdrop of sherbet skies, the moon rising effortlessly in the growing blueness, and the sense of goodness and home and abundant life pervading all my senses...

not to mention the five synchronized firework displays that entertained us as the sky darkened and cheers were heard from all around...

just a few glimpses of the magic...

you are what you eat...or so you thought...

2009-07-22T09:36:00.000-07:00

there's a lot of insidious, creepy business going on in the agriculture industry. a couple of really well done documentaries have just been released offering insight and information about a corporate monster company that is trying to, and gaining speed and power, control a big majority of the worlds crops and seeds.

check out the website for the company, called Monsanto, and do a bit of research in terms of what they offer, their very appealing and educated sounding publicity, and take a look at their long term and broad goals for turning most of our crops into genetically modified substances.

then please take the time to watch or research these documentaries and share the information with your families and friends. these are huge issues that require either a complete meltdown of the system or a surge of revolution and activism regarding our food and our rights as humans.

http://www.twilightearth.com/environment-archive-2/the-world-according-to-monsanto-full-documentary/

http://www.foodincmovie.com/

humility and fruits

2009-07-09T11:34:00.000-07:00

i'm trying to really understand and track the source of how humans have evolved to be such proud, power hungry, profit seeking people. i'm learning so much about history, culture, language, economy, ecology, and god through all the books i've been reading and as expected there happens to be one common denominator of all the world's diagnosed 'problems'.

there's a curious lack of humility in the human race, and i don't mean for these words or musings to come across as harsh or condescending. my heart is simply weighed down at the thought that so many of our modern conflicts and crises are the result of a serious lack or perversion of such a simple, pure concept.

when people regret to foster humble spirits, when we let our selfish tendencies and obsessions become the driving force behind what we involve ourselves in, how we treat one another, what we strive towards, all of the good potential that these efforts hold is lost, corrupted and confused.

examples:
agriculture and industrialization
the desire for prestige and profit caused citizens to pursue objects, careers, social engagements that would raise their social status
white flour and sugar
capitalism and holly wood

as we (or if we) would assume a more humble posture towards god and one another, serving our neighbors, picking up trash not because it's ours but because it's trash, paying for people's dinners, allowing ourselves the freedom and joy to not take more than we need... we would begin to see a world of transformation, a human race that embodies love and fellowship and life abundant, as god would intend us to live...

composting: an easy answer for a big problem

2009-07-09T09:35:00.000-07:00

composting could be the solution to global warming, world poverty and famine, war, american health insurance policies, divorce, the economic situation, and even the ridiculous dissonance and conflict among religious sects.

let me explain.

we are human beings who live and exist primarily in a physical world, though the actual boundaries or realities of our experience just on earth transcends far beyond the physical realm, we'll start there. our species, along with every other living organism and system here functions based on relationships. our physical health depends on the food we ingest and the beautiful way that our bodies use the nutrients found within our foods;in what context we grow and enjoy and relate to our food. as a result the way we exist with one another will unmistakeably be restored.

"if the soil that we grow our food in is sick, so will be the grasses that grow in that soil and the cattle or chickens that eat the grasses and vegetables and the people who drink the milk from them or eat their meat" (Michael Pollan, In Defense of Food).

if we get sick, as 2/3 of American are due to the 'food' we eat and the dysfunctional relationship we have with our food, we are less likely to be healthy in other aspects of life; our relationships with other humans, animals, god, our ability to create, to feel whole and alive and to enjoy life the way we have been designed to live. if we don't have good soil (now including the metaphorical sense of the word)to plant our seeds in that will reap nourishing food, the rest of the system rapidly deteriorates.

"the dinner we have eaten tonight was a part of the sun but a few months ago"- albert howard, the philosophical father of the organic farming movement

wouldn't it be great if all throughout america we could be proud of the foods we eat, professing that our health comes from a right relationship between soil, plant, animal, and man, that the nutrients we ingest are direct components of natural carbon and mineral sources like the sun, the soil, the vitamins of this physical world.

what if we all started to practice the simple, organic, logical, satisfying practice of composting? what if all the little humans scurrying about the earth began to cultivate our own nutrient rich soil and use that soil to plant, to grow, to feed, to heal ourselves and one another? think of everything that could happen.

people would feel better. the waste-not-want-not mentality might just begin to soak in. we might all be able to provide for ourselves and change the way we eat, which would change our natural bodily chemistry, affecting our emotions and our relationships with other people. we might not have to go to the doctor and worry about our health insurance because we would provide for ourselves the natural foods that equip our bodies to thrive. we might not need to spend money on cars and gasoline if we don't have to drive so far to the grocery store because 1/2 of our food is grown right above the place we lay our heads down at night, in a delicious, beautiful, fragrant rooftop garden. we might have more people over for dinner because the taste of the food would be tantalizing and we would want to talk about each others gardens, we might want to spend time getting lost in conversation over wine and hear about the struggles and joys in our lives.

someday...we might all understand and pursue organic communal creativity. we might all once again live off the land, be it local community gardens or good local organic farms. i'm not advocating for the abandonment of modern innovative technologies, but just advocating their refinement and examination.

it all starts in our soil. composting, eating as we're designed to and living wholly is not complicated, its quite easy, and the benefits are exponential.
check it out. try it for yourself. see how you feel. share about your experience here or with friends. pass the message on...

http://www.treehugger.com (great site for green building, energy, gardening, renewables)
http://www.solanacenter.org/Backyard%20Composting%20Brochure%20April%202004.pdf( great guide to backyard composting)

its all in relationships

2009-07-09T09:21:00.001-07:00

our health depends on relationships. proper. right. wholesome relationships.

god
the earth
man
animals
food

we're all inevitably connected, perfectly designed but sometimes less perfectly functioning.

we desire to be in relationships. to have intimacy with our loved ones, our friends, to know and to understand god and to have some relationship with the creator that gives us meaning and a drive to continue living. there is a good and right way of living, a way that elicits freedom and abundance and love.

health is the product of being in these sorts of relationships. we desire to be healthy and the key to our strength and survival lies in the most simple, delicate, natural system that has over the years been constantly run down and muddied. how we eat. what we eat. when and where and with whom we eat. all of these facest affect every part and portion of our physical, psychological, spiritual and communal health.

on becoming...the american dream(er)

2009-07-07T15:04:00.000-07:00

i am now officially a licensed and registered california driver and resident. my car, oliver, has now been officially stripped of her colorado roots and engendered with california plates.
its a somewhat mournful experience on my part, especially when the man at the DMV asked me if i was a broncos fan or a chargers fan, my answer wavering due to the fate of a passing score. but i'm equally delighted because of all the possibilities i see on my west-coast-horizons.

reclaiming community

2009-07-07T13:57:00.000-07:00

gardening.
eating food that comes from your own soil. using soil that comes from your old food and plants and dirt. getting dirty and being with people, who come from dirt and will return to dirt. really, there's nothing like eating a salad comprised of all sorts of tantalizing, delicious, exciting and enigmatic flavors that you yourself planted, helped to grow and harvested just at the right moment at the peak of the season...we can sustain ourselves. its simple, empowering, creative, and completely fulfilling.

cruising.
the feeling of riding your bike everywhere around town; whether or not its work, a concert, the gym, the local farmers market or just for a pleasant afternoon adventure. its cheap, its sentimental, its youthful and smart and completely necessary. why take a car when you can take a backpack and boost your calf muscles? why trap yourself in traffic, limit yourself to highways and speed limits wen you can feel the wind literally pull the saliva from your lips and whip across your face with such invigorating, awakening sensations?

community.
its about sharing meals together, slowly, with a glass or two of wine, talking about our trials, our joys, our best jokes and most estranged stories. its about seeing the people who check you out in the grocery store and asking them their story, knowing where they go home to after work, caring about their time and existence. its about meeting together with people of similar interests and passions to collaborate on ideas and movements to better the city, the neighborhood, the state and bring us all together as people who love one another and care for one another as delicately, beautifully, powerfully created beings. its about taking time to ask your neighbor to join you for dinner or to make sure that you are keeping in touch with the people who are hurting, who are poor or hungry, those who may be doing well and sharing in their abundances.

join the movement that somehow got displaced by our innovative technologies and our distancing ourselves from that which is so fundamental to our health and existence. reclaim your community in the whole sense of the word. seek wholeness and health and simplicity while thriving in this amazing and evolving society. live off the land. eat food. thrive in community with fellow humans and other creatures. work hard. play harder. take root:)

hello july

2009-07-01T21:46:00.000-07:00

i woke up this morning and all of the cloudy grey skies that have dominated the month of june conveniently dissipated, allowing me to enjoy a brisk, beautiful, sunshiny day to welcome the new month...

july holds a lot for me...its a month of remembrance and celebration of the life of my sweet marvene...its a time for picking fruit and living abundantly in the heat of summer...its the cusp of new horizons, jobs, churches, people, ideas

the loquats are sprouting, much more than i could have even expected. they're little baby saplings, roots growing fervently across the dark, rich soil...

i fall asleep tonight with a full belly of good, nourishing food, good nourishing thoughts, a lot of questions and what ifs and where to's, a lot of gratitude, and finally a song that somehow seeped into my head this morning with this new day that has brought me back to singing, humming, baking, writing...being well

:)

the money tree

2009-06-29T08:29:00.001-07:00

money has been on mind. not that i want a lot of it, am utterly starving for it, or obsess day and night over it. but the fact is that do to the things that i want to do in life (aka keep learning, have good family dinners, take trips with friends, plant gardens all around san diego, establish a cafe, give freely to my friends, pay off my debts to my school and my delicious family members)

i applied for a credit card today. i know,with this economy, bad timing right? but its time i start getting money back for the wonderful credit i have maintained over the last four years and its time to step outside of my box and take ownership for some things! 0% APR for 12 months, a free limousine ride all around the town, free junk mail for life, auto rental insurance, AND a cute little flashlight for my keychain!??

sign me up!!!

here we go into the world of capitalist consumerism... or maybe its just student loan debt settling in....

patience. sprouting .seeking

2009-06-28T22:09:00.001-07:00

there's a few things on my mind these days... i think they're pretty well summed up by these two separate, but very related verses.
2 timothy 1:7 says "for God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline". this has been ringing in my ears as i've been meditating in scripture and trying to push myself in my relationships, my job hunt, my passions, etc. i'm not one to be shy or fearful, but so often i experience small surges of these emotions in the midst of life in transition...questions, unknowns, changes, exciting developments... i have all the strength and confidence i need because i know and trust that He has made me the way i am, has given me my gifts and desires for me to be bold and to live abundantly... However, with these changes in my role, my friendships, my career directions and new seasons, i also must take to heart that fruit takes time to grow from certain planted seeds, that patience is among the most needed medicines, that those dreams and hard work which will be long lasting and bountiful can hardly materialize overnight...
2 peter 3.9 says "the lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance". as i pray for the Lord to increase in me His patience, to provide for me and guide me, i'm also remembering that He is faithful to keep these promises. there are a myriad of delicate, intricate examples of this all around me that encourage me to continue to seek Him, to challenge myself in my faith, in my questions, in my relationships, in my community...

june

2009-06-25T16:32:00.001-07:00

june gloom is rampant throughout san diego. not gloomy in a depressing kind of way, but gloomy in the 'it looks grey outside when i wake up makes me want to sleep in and play all day' way. make sense?

but these grey skies and balmy breezes are just an over-sized incubator for all green, growing, silently sprouting things...

farmers markets.
loquat seedlings.
new fruits. new friends.
music.
green roofing.

peach season

2009-06-22T20:41:00.000-07:00

the succulent and juicy devouring of fruit has begun.

there's an amazing secret market (that is not really that secret though i like to think of it that way) that sells the most delicious fruits and vegetables of all sorts (the kind that you wouldn't just stumble upon in the back of a vons supermarket). the price is unmatchable, the taste unbelievable.

apricots. pluots. mangos. donut peaches. nectarines. starfruit. pears. cherries. apples. sweet baby bananas. papaya. dragonfruit. korean melons. grapefruit. asian plums.

i can hardly contain myself.
i wake up and bite into the most juicy and sweet peaches that have ever touched my lips. i graze on apples and plums and apricots like a chain smoker inhales Marlboros.
good thing that my digestive tracts are working smoothly :)

cheers to all the summer fruits and the blessings of their sweet aromas and tastes dancing fancifully across our tongues...

ash blue dragonflies and days spent in the river...

2009-06-22T19:13:00.000-07:00

drifting in cool refreshing water, diverged in some sacred place between arizona and colorado, watching the dragonflies rest their wings upon my sandy toes, feeling the glare of Sun's gold reflection splashing heat and radiance against my sweat-stained skin, the wind rustling among the reeds that longingly hang beside the shoreline... floating downstream among swirling green rapids, the air, hot and dry as my skin could bear, a flawless blue sky for my gaze to lose itself in...

cleansing is so necessary. reading and resting and eating fruits and vegetables and going to bed when its dark and rising when its light, listening to the animals, heeding the rhythms of the earth. recalibration is so necessary. the desert is astonishing. ambrosial. delightful. vibrant. sacred. silent and not so silent. paradisaical. engrossing. alluring.

as evening approaches and the heat finally recedes as the shadows grow on the trees, the moonless night sky begins her dazzling pageant of shooting stars, glimmering dusts and roaming satellites. darkness falls and i find myself lying beneath the vast dome of limitless sky, universe, life...wondering

how big is it? how many other places just like earth are there if there are trillions of stars and planets and suns and galaxies just like ours? how vast and unfathomable is god if in fact there are more stars in the universe than grains of sand on earth? have you ever examined the insurmountable quantity of individual grains of sand after only lightly pressing your skin against it??

i laid there on the desert floor feeling the warm energy of the rocks and dirt pushing against me, gazing out into this infinity of light and darkness, of god and mystery and wonder, my mind losing its ability to focus on one idea or thought or emotion and i tried to sift through endless questions of meaning, of truth, of love, of trust, of the unmistakable evidence in this overwhelmingly magnificent earth of our intimate relationship with the creator.

big questions like what if there's more than one way to know god, to follow him, to love him and to experience his fullness. silly questions like how long will it take for us to be able to explore those farthest outcroppings and bring back samples of space dust for all to see and taste? all of these questions are pushing me deeper and deeper into my love for god, further and further into my own, unique faith in god. i am constantly amazed and speechless that god has created this vastly beautiful universe in all its grandeur and majesty, and he created the materials and energy that organize themselves as delicately as dragonfly wings, as a human mind, and other delicate and complex things...

for some reason that moment, that hour spent dazed beneath such an immense sky, was so significant for me. the thought that came about again and again, just as constant and reocurring as the swirling eddy's of the river, was,

"i want to be known...i want the god of the all this immeasurable existence to know me..."and i know this is how it is, but there are small, sacred moments when all of existence and the unlimited possibilities of it unleashes its weight right in the very middle point of my soul. so i let the warm tears slide silently down my cheek as i enjoy and experience these emotions and explore them all the more...

effulgence and aum

2009-06-15T15:22:00.001-07:00

much like the perfectly clear blue sky that lingered endlessly and cohesively across the sea's shoulders yesterday in the late sunlight of a warm, windy sunday afternoon, i aspire to be expansive, bright, limitless, and radiant. yet even on the most pristine of days, when the world and all its pieces are so completely awe inspiring, when my vision and my horizons seem to have so much clarity, i question whether being radiance can truly exist and thrive at all times, both in nature and in myself.

breathtaking is a word i often use to try and describe how being alive affects me. taking notice of the grandeur of things: nature, people, physical elements, emotions, awareness.

i'm doing a lot of breathtaking lately. intentionally and surprisingly. there's times in this period of transition where everything seems so clear and direct in front of me; what i need to do, who i need to be invested in, where i want to go etc. and at those very moments of pristine clarity, everything also seems so expansive, so overwhelming, so limitless that i have a hard time catching my breath.

Folding a yoga mat has become such a normal ritual to me; breathing steadily and purposefully, the muscles of my body and my mind being stretched and rejuvenated. I feel the strong deep vibrations buzzing throughout my spine and my spirit- aum-

i guess these days are filled with lots of good open space to think, to fill out job applications, to pray and meditate and ask myself thick questions about who and what i want to become, how i want to live my life, to enjoy the abundance of clear blue skies and let myself get lost in dizzying thoughts with the trust and confidence that all of those will come together in due time in a beautiful story, a beautiful unfolding journey...

under His skies,
b

home really is the heart...

2009-06-13T22:02:00.000-07:00

"home is about love, relationship, community, and belonging, and we are all searching for home" -erwin mcmanus

i've been thinking a lot about the concept of home, the tangible reality of creating it, pursuing it, enjoying it, understanding it. we're all searching for home because we're all searching for intimacy, meaning, and belonging. we're all piling up our storehouses full of goods, talents, relationships, businesses, objects, thoughts, experiences, and dreams in hope of creating some sense of self, of security, of connectedness, when really our craving for home and this deeper burning sense of the need to be loved and to express love to others comes from our unquestionable proximity and connectedness to god.

there's this other concept i'm chewing on lately, and that is compassion. not necessarily compassion in the sense of being kind and generous and reaching out to others in need, though those actions are all aromatic fruits of a deeper seed-compassion in the sense of suffering with one another, sometimes without words or action but by practicing presence. god is known as emmanuel, or god-with-us, because he is in us, around us, desires to love us and be loved by us.

call me crazy but aren't these two notions extremely and unavoidably linked? isn't my desire for a sense of home in the midst of transition a composite of my desire for being at home with god, for being compassionate as god is compassionate and practicing a simple awareness, a presence of community based on love and relationship? i know that i am hardly representative of a minority of people who crave love, fulfilling relationships, and a place to always call home.

as i draw nearer and nearer to god through my own personal introspection, travel experiences, relationships and life lessons, i find that all the more i am swimming in his compassion, unable to escape his presence, his authority, his grandeur and his beautiful subtleties... i find the more and more that i try and set boundaries to what home is, they are equally and enigmatically struck down and rethreaded. home is not a specific place or time, not even with specific people or things, its not a memory and its not necessarily a goal...its something that exists and thrives through connectedness with other humans, through connectedness with gods spirit, nature, oneself...home is where you allow yourself to be known, to be involved, to be loved and to have compassion for and with those around you.

mcmanus also writes that 'jesus called to all who were weary and who found their souls exhausted to come to him and find rest. he is telling us that god will be for us our place called home'...

nearly every day i experience the sensation of missing being at the place i have called home for so many years. i miss my family, i miss colorado, i miss my things and my memories and all that i am physically and emotionally attached to there. yet with every day that i spend and appreciate living in san diego, i find that my home is closer to me than i have even realized. i'm able to commune with friends who are sometimes closer than family, to experience god in deep and exciting ways through people, places, and prayer. i get to be involved with movements and organizations that move me and inspire me to do good, to reach out, to grow in this world.

if anyone is serious about fulfilling that longing sense of the need for home, the need for love, the need for meaning and intimacy, he or she must realize that the kingdom of god dwells within our human hearts, that home is a result of assuming a compassionate posture before and with god, that intentional community and investing in relationships is the foundation for any fruitful root system...

home is...where the heart is...

dainty dirty hands

2009-06-11T13:26:00.000-07:00

some author whose name unfortunately escapes me once commented that humans' big brains and dextrous hands have cause us centuries of suffering and destruction. war. politics. religions. hate. murder. rape. technology. industrialization.

somehow i can't seem to get the image of 160 shining faces looking at me from their seats in my classroom, anxiously awaiting my spoken directions and gestures as to what we would be learning for the day in english class. i think of the games i played with kids, the walls i painted for the children's home, the words i repeated persistently, all the countless gestures and movements and expressions we made with our hands to try and desperately communicate with one another when our words fell short of meaning or comprehension. i think of all the ways we touched, pointed, tickled, screamed, engineered, and planned as we spend hours with the children, teachers, fathers, pastors, mothers, and merchants of thailand. if not for our big, complicated brains, would we be able to speak or have the ingenuity of creatively connecting with one another? if not for our hands, the same no matter what size, shape, or color, would we have had a medium for telling and showing these kids our love, our personalities, our stories and theirs? suffering will always exist, for the human race is incredibly primitive, selfish, and at times far away from god.

yet goodness, joy, beauty, and communion with god is the ultimate progosis for us homosapiens, and if not for our brilliantly engineered bodies and minds, we would have very little capacity to know, to relate, to build, to create, to embrace and imagine...to be...human

2009-06-11T12:46:00.000-07:00

"god has made everything beautiful in its time. he set eternity on the hearts of men but we cannot fathom what he has done from beginning to end. there is nothing better than to be happy and to do good while we live- to find satisfaction in our toil, that is the gift of god" -ecclesiastes 3.10

thailand. san diego. colorado. dirty smiling faces. pretty business places. new people, new ideas. ancient disciplines and modern technologies. organic communal creativity. working through emotions, ascending personal mountains, confronting social and economical crises. questions of faith and science, of love and of duty. of god and of bacteria. but having an understanding and an ability to see good in things, to practice peace, to overflow with joy in the midst of clouded horizons....that is living life to the full, is it not? that is the gift of life and the definition of this journey we're all on, is it not?

cast down your idols...and draw instead your wind chimes

2009-06-11T12:16:00.000-07:00

we arrived at the facade of the Bandawat (the largest Buddhist temple area in Chiang Mai)and i was struck especially by the stark contrasts of man's constructed images of glistening gold, twinkling jewels, colors, bright shapes, stone relics of bird and elephant at the feet of the overly large Buddha statue. The chimes whispered so eerily in that warm silent evening, only adding to the bizarre sense that all this beauty and wealth signifying the importance and strength of Buddha was cast all to dull against the breathaking and brilliant design of god's natural dwelling place, his glorious, green, lush, unlimited landscape of forever-stretching-forests, misty-jungle-mountains, and high-stormy-skies...

though i was able to spend considerable time walking the premises, meditating in the temple rooms, breathing slowly in the sacred spaces, trying to understand and appreciate the culture and teachings of this place while also immersing myself in prayer and worship of god, surrounded by gold shimmering creatures and jewel eyed teachers, flooded my soul became with the need and the great capacity for closeness with god. i was less impressed by the bold statues, the brilliant gold and silver buildings, the colorful windows and floors, and completely taken aback by the grandeur and delicate promise evident in the most outstanding, bright rainbow that found its home softly between the storm clouds and the pure white puffs of radiance that stretched out across the sky in the background.

deep breaths as i stood in the middle of a huge, empty stone garden, listening to the windchimes dance and sing in the leaves, in the spirit of the trees, his song maybe flowing through me and all the other things...

finding the joy bird

2009-06-09T16:05:00.000-07:00

sometimes we get lost. lost while driving. lost in physical storms. lost in the deeper, personal storms. lost while in love. feeling lost on spiritual journeys when we're really not lost at all, we just don't have a sense of where we're supposed to be going.

there are so many indicators for us simple beings, indicators for direction and guidance. i've always trusted that god has a delicately crafted plan for my life and i look to him for direction, for confidence, for hope. some people look for guidance in other forms and sometimes direction comes in the most surprising shapes and colors...that buzzing feeling deep inside of your gut spurring you on towards a decision or an adventure... or a song that continually rings right down within your chest, a song you can't ignore and can't be separated from because it is in you, it is part of you, it is you. i also think this song is god, his spirit and his energy moving within me, leading me towards the things i am naturally led to.

my best friend once told me that if i ever lost hold of my joyful spirit, my soul song, that she would 'backstroke through the muck to retrieve my joy bird'. i'm convinced that His song will never leave me, that though i will travel far, experience thick struggle and disappointment, maybe even feel disconnected from god, his song that is deep within me will always give me direction, will always give me a fresh breath and a a clear direction.

as humans relating to other humans, we are all connected, indefinitely. 'we are pieces of others. portraits painted between our brains and thymuses. we are the dirt we've eaten and the songs we've sung. we are the light of stars and darkness old beyond imagining. we are at once spontaneous fires & sacred water. we are faith and forgiveness'-Gerard Callahan

in looking for direction, for options, for encouragement, besides looking to the one who indefinitely supplies us with hope, joy and perseverance, restores our spirits and gives us a song to sing, we must look to those people around us who may feel equally lost and swirling in the midst of creation. we must pursue connectivity and unity to one another; we must see god within each other and remind each other of the melody should we ever forget or lose our place...

'create in me a clean heart, o god, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.do not cast me from your presence or take your holy spirit from me, but restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me' -psalm 51.10-

thailand: cultural explosions

2009-06-09T15:37:00.000-07:00

i'm starting this new season of life, this portion of my personal life narrative, in media res, which in literary terminology means in the middle. i'm not quite sure what this chapter in my story is called. its somewhere in between student and adult, child and professional, listener and leader. becoming an adult means realizing and taking responsibility for the paradoxical nature of life and taking action for what moves you. having just traveled halfway across the world to spend time volunteering in Thailand, i think i am just now coming to terms with this notion, just finally arriving at some minuscule understanding of what it is that moves me, and where that movement is focused now...

i'm not sure the best way to go about recording my experiences from this trip, which is why this story will be disorganized and maybe completely illogical. but there's a delicious ambiguity to it. ...some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. my story is long underway, constantly being improvised, altered, constantly catching me off guard and teaching me in more ways than i would ever have expected...

if you think about it, culture is truly derived from a certain group of people's relationship to the land they inhabit. how they use its resources, how they survive together, how they express themselves and enjoy life in whichever manner comes naturally. at first, thailand the country and especially thai culture seemed to be something absolutely foreign to me, something that i would never quite understand or be able in any major way to take part. but after spending the last three weeks immersed in thai culture, surrounded by the most majestic, lush forests i have ever seen, befriending small, beautiful children with whom i can just get by communicating, and experiencing a surpassing degree of self reflection and inspiration, i'm getting more and more familiar with the word, culture...

thailand is all about ceremony, about respect, tradition, taking life slowly and savoring everything. my initial perceptions of this country were of a somewhat impoverished nation simply trying to survive, using food stands, markets, cell phone booths and other miscellaneous business and community centers as a means to creating and maintaining an economy. i wasn't attuned to the beauty of the culture, of the more subtle efforts at pursuing education, the arts, spirituality.

i didn't realize that these are a people who do still have some sort of relationship with the earth-their lifestyles and means of making money mostly revolve around the tending of the rice fields, the harvesting of fruit and vegetables, making fiber paper out of washed and dried elephant dung, using the plants and trees and natural resources to make housing, clothing, cookware, entertainment, hardware.

culture comes from relationships and i'm beginning to examine the idea of a one world culture, where we embrace unity rather than uniformity and begin to share with one another these various cultures, practices, understandings. its not something to differentiate humans from one another but rather to celebrate the beauty of our diverse race, our different needs and talents and habits and our creativity and dependency on the earth...

finished...now it all begins....

2009-05-14T12:42:00.000-07:00

"Give thanks to the Lord for He is good, His love endures forever...this is the day the Lord has Made; I will rejoice and be glad"

These are the words, the ideas, the state of being I am left with as I finish up my last final exam, experience my last time sitting as a student in a classroom at Point Loma, turn in my very last major literature analysis...

I'm all smiles. The day is bright, my life is light, I'm blessed beyond belief and I find myself in the most delicate, nourishing soil as I embark on new journeys...

Here's to the end of a season, an amazing four years of growth, laughter, memories, tears, and to the beginning of everything new and bright and big and beautiful...

language

2009-05-04T13:09:00.001-07:00

language is never a permanent fixture; therefore we do not have access to these 'universal truths' that keep getting mentioned and discussed because language is all we have to understand truth and meaning, yet ours is so completely limited with respect to god... we can't even fathom the true existence and magnanimity of god or how he relates to us because we are limited even in the way in which we fathom!

prayer

2009-04-29T21:35:00.000-07:00

o thou, you are the perfection of love, harmony, and beauty, the lord of heaven and earth and all that exists in between and far beyond,

open my heart, soften my eyes, and quiet all my stirrings, that i may hear your voice, which constantly comes from within.

aum. amen.

a treatise of sorts

2009-04-22T07:55:00.000-07:00

the discourses of philosophy, love, spirituality and existence seem to constantly overlap one another; a magical and mystical dance of sorts that captures our human attention and draws us in, begging us to question the meaning of life, the means to the end, the rhyme and reason to our relationship to the divine.

i'm reveling in the cooling mist that has drifted effortlessly down upon every delicate part of the earth this morning, relieving me from the intense heat of the past few days. i've watched the light from the new day surreptitiously find its way into my bedroom window, annointing every object and space with a soft, hopeful, and cheery glow. i've spent time in this silence, doing my morning meditation and prayer, gaining energy and a peaceful demeanor towards the day...and now i'm beginning to piece together a sampling of beautiful thoughts and ideas from the reading i've become so immersed in lately. like the small spark you experience when you rush too quickly across a carpeted surface, i've caught a glimpse of the larger picture that all these pieces, all these colors, are working towards completing...

a novel i just finished, Steppenwolf, Herman Hesse discusses man's desire for finding communion with the divine, for escaping the duality of one's self and one's despairing emotions to find true happiness, to exist in all the fullness and richness that being alive can offer. again and again i'm reminded of what John records of Christ's teaching in the New Testament- "I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds" (12.24). Essentially he suggests that we as humans must always first die to ourselves in order that we can live the full life intended for us by our Creator God. The miniscule exposure i've had to different yoga practices and teachings emphasizes the same message; each of us is responsible for all the rest, every individual soul is essentially a part of the larger communion of souls, therefore we must take on the responsibility of loving others before ourselves. Deep within us IS the kingdom of God, in the stillness that is so often muddied by our material lives we have an unlimited state of existence and bliss. there has to be some degree of separation from ourselves and our physical needs, worries, attachments, in order to increase our capacity to experience god, to experience joy and weightlessness...
another author, Milan Kundera, writes The Unbearable Lightness of Being describing our tendency to make our lives incredibly heavy, burdened by emotions, questions, fears. he writes a beautiful romance that underscores this notion of living in the moment, not taking everything with such gravity but letting life unfold around us and participating fully in it and ascribing meaning and depth to life, but not being limited by our mortality. like Nietzsche would argue in nihilism: there may be no eternal return or cycle of living. all of our experiences occur only briefly, and only once, therefore we MUST make the most of every moment and live fully alive. god's spirit is in us and he has blessed us with the ability and the opportunity to enjoy a beautiful, rich, blissful existence with him, if we would only let go of ourselves and our egos and take part in the glorious story that we're already swept up in...

senior reflections: culminations of college, culture, and curiosity

2009-04-17T08:30:00.000-07:00

the shock of huge literary theory anthologies crashing onto the floor during an intertesting but somewhat repetetive lecture; the ovewhelming mixture of nauseaufrom yet another assigned research paper coupled with the exuberating joy in knowing it will be my last; walking down the middle of 'caf-lane' and, with a pause, approaching the crowd of students busting outside of the commons area, reveling in the very unique, very isolated, and very creative ecosystem we inhabit; noticing that my nails have been chewed down to the skin, that my refrigerator has been mostly empty and that my car has become more of an armoir for my miscellaneous belongings;

i realize in all of these things that there's four weeks left of this spring semester, the final thrust of hard work, creativity, and making things stretch towards the achievement of that celebrated college diploma. there's a little less than thirty days until all final grades must be submitted, all bags have to be packed, all loose ends somehow tied up or jumbled into some different shape than they are now(or so i'm told that's what is expected)

have i tasted everything i could have tasted here? have i been the responsible student and leader that i aspired to be when i first arrived? have i invested in healthy, strong relationships with mentors, friends, and family to help prepare me for this transition out of my simple college life and into the bigger, even more glorious and open real-world? have i spent enough time in silence and solitude praying for wisdom, praising god for the ways he has shaped and taught me in this place? have i said thank you enough to the people who have given themselves, their time, their finances, their love to me?? have i save up enough quarters to at least get through a month's worth of laundry after i graduate!!?? will i miss writing literary analyses and discussing the importance of the narrative in the grander scheme of things??

i've experienced an increasing abundance of reflections over the last month or so as my mind and heart is preparing to leave this place, to finish this chapter, this paragraph even, and begin another portion of my story. i guess this not really beginning a new portion as much as continuing the complex narrative that has been in progress for the last twenty two year, the last two thousand years, the last billion years that we have all existed here and been seeking after the same thing...growing in our capacity as humans to know god and to love him and one another. i'm simply another character of an already beautifully constructed story that has been and will continue to move and change and grow...

here's to what could be the most intense four weeks of my life as a college student, here's to pereseverance, discipline, making good decisions, laughter, joy, unlimited gratitude, qualitye time with friends and many many cups of steaming hot earl grey tea :)

hunting for fallen fruit...

2009-04-12T08:24:00.000-07:00

yesterday marked the zenith of the season for the most overlooked, undervalued, and delicious treasures of san diego: the loquat fruit...for those of you still unbenounced to know what delicacy i am speaking of, the loquat fruit originates from China and resembles a mix of apricot, pear, and apple.

interspersed throughout san diego county are hundreds of loquat trees, most on public property, of which the majority go unnoticed, uncared for, and definitely not harvested. therefore there exist a select few committed to taking advantage of the good local fruits of the earth...

loquat hunting is now in full bloom. not only is it the sweet and tart, succulent flavors that each vibrant orange fruit contains in its soft, spring juices that entice us but the hunt itself draws us in. loquat trees are so often camoflauged in people's front yards or public parks and neigborhoods by other trees, they lay heavy with fruit, beckoning to the eager seeker to come and partake of all the 'secret' treasures. much time has been dedicated into creating an intricately detailed map of some of the best, most voluptuous and sweet trees. this information of course cannot be revealed to the public for the sake of maintaining the harvest's longevity...

we want to ensure that our love for this delicious fruit does not entitle us to selfish behavior however; loquat hunting requires respect and care towards trees and their branches, towards the planting and growth of new loquat saplings, a regard for only taking as much as one truly needs to satiate the loquat cravings...as for now, sunday morning has brought an incredible harvest. its time to make jam and to share the beauty of this local treasure with loved ones..

onwards and upwards in the peak of spring time!

silence: an appetizer for the upcoming feast

2009-04-08T23:12:00.001-07:00

after a dizzying two weekend of gypsy concerts, night-time motorcycle rides, a trip up the coast to Los Angeles, beautiful, breezy afternoons in the perfect san diego neighborhoods, and days spent in the presence of so many great, brilliant, delicate and beautiful souls, i'm chewing on a lot of mental and spiritual fodder.
brett dennen sings songs of celebrating being alive, of facing the big issues in life with suited with love and compassion, of living each day as it were your last...leonard cohen sings of love, lust, and god's will, the deep cravings of humanity...Christ taught his disciples that those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, who strive to be peacemakers and to show mercy, those will be blessed and will inherit the earth...sadghuru, the founder and guru of Isha Yoga, inspires people to accept responsibility for one another, to embrace the people of the world with love, to enable oneself to be limitless by simply cultivating a willing spirit to change, to increase human consciousness...

i've been digging these past few days, in my own introspection and in scripture...i'm forced to find silence in the stillness of infinite motion, much like the sleep of a spinning top (thanks to thomas hardy for creating such perfect imagery). there's constantly a whirlwind of movement and change, both surrounding me and deep, deep within me; yet along my journey so far i've been blessed to discover and to have learned a few beautiful ways to focus all that energy, all that motion and to find a solitude unlike any other i've ever before witnessed or experienced.

isha is becoming more to me than a faraway idea, a distant community, a new and very different form of yoga... the noise of life and existence has been extremely loud lately, caught up in the very zenith of growth and change, sprouting seeds of faith, love, song, projects, friendships, well-being... the discipline of doing isha yoga has brought me so much peace and tranquility, physically of course, but emotionally and spiritually my practice ensures that i have the time and space to sit and absorb, indulge, and become absolved in silence with my maker...

'the lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the lord, it is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young. let him sit in silence for the lord has laid it on him. let him bury his face in the dust, there may yet be hope' -lamentations 3:25

so many of my days, my minutes, my moments of being alive and aware, have been spent steeped in prayer...before meals, before challenges, during worship, during gatherings of friends and families, in the midst of adventure and bliss, in the very darkest corners of sorrow and despair, in praise for things received or lessons learned and in the brightest of rejoice...it is what keeps me grounded, overflowing with his spirit, aware not only of myself but more of Him...

i'm expecting a great feast this weekend...but i'm equally expecting a lot of silence in respect and of maundy thursday, passover, good friday...i'm expecting a blinding array of celebration and worship as the sun rises again over this cold earth, the warmth of the Son lighting up the sky and the spirits in you and i...

permanents and flat irons...hair care

2009-04-05T20:21:00.000-07:00

correct me if im off base here, but i have a legitimate concern that i am losing my hair...

let me clarify though, by 'losing my hair' i mean 'losing that beautiful blonde luster that has defined and propelled me for the 22 years of my existence!'

for the last 3 weeks, nearly every day i am finding (and intentionally removing) long strands of deep brown and black hair. i find myself questioning my identity, my religion, my social ranking...what long term impact will a progressive change from blonde to auburn have on my life as it is now? will my friends view me the same? will my outlook on life be drastically different, maybe even better, if i were a darker breed of blonde?

these are the kinds of questions that i ponder sometimes, often during the middle portions of my literature classes when the class discussion has become too heated or the sun is shining too brightly outside to concentrate on anything meaningful.

i hope i find some answers, and i really hope i don't lose all my blonde hair. for now, shampoo, conditioner, smoothing serum and lots of love for those little whispy curls will be the prescribed ritual until further notice...

...and a drizzle of sweet succulence

2009-04-01T22:19:00.000-07:00

honey from sicily literally tastes like pizza. the minute the glowing goo melted into my mouth i could taste the fresh dough and spicy aromas...clever no?

have you ever tasted a honey that so well resembled that still-warm-frosted-gingerbread cake taste that pools at the base of your tongue swirling the syrupy goodness until your entire mouth succumbs in perfect bliss??
then there's the absolute beautiful sensation of dipping your spoon into the deep bouquet of creamy, mellisonant, swedish honey. i can hardly keep my nose out of the jar before our friend, 'pooh' reminds me of his no double-dipping policy.

selling honey is much more than a business. i learned that it is just as much of apart of every day life for those involved as exercise or laughterer or work. in spending the morning with a friend, i tasted at least 60 different species, colors, and flavors of honey from all around the world ,getting the biggest and most delicious sugar rush i've ever had. eucalyptus-orangeblossom-sulla-manuka-clover-acacia-avocado-heather-blackberry-all raw, all organic, all sensational.

the secret life of bees, their patterns and their capacities for self-preservation is an incredibly mind-blowing, amazingly precise and beautiful science. i am in awe of god's brilliance and creativity as i explore this new micro-universe. honey heals wounds and ailments, helps allergies and boosts immunity, regulates digestion and is the perfect source of energy for the body. the same bees will continue to make honey in the same place with the same flowers for as long as is possible with the queen of the hive. they too are tenacious little balls of energy...

maybe honey is the key to our longevity, our ability to 'be limitless'... maybe mary poppins wasn't too far off when she recommended a spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down. she probably meant a nice dollup of dark, woodsy Zambezi honey but realized it wouldn't fit as well in the song....

for now, i'm going to keep honey as a part of my well-balanced lifestyle until something better comes around the corner :)

beelimitless.com

the beauty of the used and the for sale

2009-04-01T20:27:00.000-07:00

i'm not sure what his name really is or where he's from, but i have to give it to the guy who invented craigslist.com...he is one very smart and very successful individual.

Every day for the last year or so there has been advertised on craigslist this ad (or something very similar) "FREE JACUZZI: works and is in great shape only 5 years old. don't want to move it and i dont use it its just in the way of my new garden...."

craigslist has blessed me with wild bouts of laughter from time to time, helped me make a ton of side cash (and spend a ton of side cash too), and not to mention allowed me to somehow or for some reason completely beyond my comprehending meet one of my now best friends and deepest love...

so be it tables, surfboards, leftover chimichangas, low mileage, well maintained honda civics, entertaining job postings, or free couches, to the man behind the curtain of craigslist.com, we praise you for your creativity, simplicty, and incredible talent in bringing people, and their stuff, together

---thoughts from my couch----

april...the month of beginnings and tom foolery

2009-04-01T12:15:00.000-07:00

careful, april blew in this morning with a cold grey fog that covered the sky but could hardly covered all the projects, ideas, to-dos, places, people, and time that are sparkling in my eyes... including that giggle that hides in the back of my throat, celebrating today as the most silly day...

i've decided that april is the month of beginnings. its the beginning of the end of my college career. less than 2 full months left at this so familiar, so comfortable stage of life. its the beginning of the next stage, of a lot of hard work and pursuit of passions, of growth and depth and height and breadth...its the beginning of spring when all the desert flowers are vibrantly and enthusiastically poking their heads out from behind cold, hibernating rocks, blessing all the passersby with their smiley radiance... its the beginning of businesses, of new jobs, of babies being born and most of all the beginning of whats already proven to be an incredible journey.

and today specifically marks the beginning of my one month video documentary, designed to capture all the funny moments and jokes, the crazy late nights of studying and putting together of things, the beauty of nature unfolding her divinity just before us...

i'll see how it turns out, but for now its off to the library to keep on keep'n on.

silence: an appetizer for the upcoming feast

2009-03-30T07:37:00.000-07:00

cold fronts, bowls of pho, and urban ministry

2009-03-23T07:15:00.000-07:00

i'm beginning to accept the fact that those tight knots we develop in the small crevices of our shoulder blades really do emerge from stress and fatigue...i spent saturday night trying to sleep on a concrete floor in the basement of Mid City Nazarene Church, still wearing the clothes (and shoes) i had worn all throughout the day's long activities. welcome back to volunteering at church...i spent lots of time this weekend listening to stories, singing songs, eating, andwaiting for instructions, but even more i spent time listening to myself, my thoughts and my emotions, ache and itch to be the center of attention, to voice my opinion, to take control of the situations.

i would classify myself as a good traveler, an easy-going free spirit, a pretty knowledgeable person when it comes to leadership, unfamiliar circumstances, challenges. yet more and more i am learning and gaining an awareness of how quickly my selfishness can surreptisiously emerge, how my pride and overly exciteable nature can squash my humility, how even though i may not give voice to it my minor discomforts and frustrations do take an incredible toll on my outlook, my attitude, my ability to step forth confidently and quietly lead others...

with the weekend came an incredibly overwhelming cold front...i tend to mimic a small creature of the tundra when this phenomenon occurs- i often sense myself becoming tired, aggravated, anxious and unable to concentrate on anything besides warmth... with the closing of the weekend came an overly extended vietnamese dining experience, which normally would have been fun and delicious, yet i found myself so disappointed at my below-temperature, below-standard, not-so-delectable bowl of 'pho' (fuh) and restless to move on to another more personally pleasing experience....with the weekend came an incredible glimpse of an incredible church that serves over 7 different cultural congregations whose doors are always open and even though the people, the buildings, the location, the resources are not as pretty and abundant as we would enjoy, there's such a dose of reality, of compassion, of community and of love there that all my meager and quiet complaints were silenced.

so despite the crick in my back, which i will learn to deal with, i guess i'm just refelcting on how much i can learn about myself, how strikingly obvious my weaknesses become when thrust into the midst of sometimes uncomfortable ministry and group dynamics. its just another opportunity to go inward and evalutate myself, to focus on the things that need to be recalibrated, grown, fed, so that i can be a better leader, follower, lover of people...

sombrero's and saguaro's

2009-03-15T10:07:00.000-07:00

cactus in southern Baja grows as thick as aspens in colorado...cruising down highway 19, the proverbial strip of abandoned, desert road that one imagines of that old, mexican peninsula, i am dazzled by the vast sea of soft green prickly things. we've been chasing the sunset from the bay all the way across the desert and straight towards the pacific. our jeep devours the salt crusted,dry dust it kicks up from the rocky, unpaved road which we barrel down in hopes of finding the true path down the side of the mountain to reach some desolate beach with darkening turquoise waters...the sun has already dipped below our horizon, off to glow in some distant neighbors' eyes for another moment, and now those thick creeping cactus limbs stand out strong, like phallic fingers jutting out everywhere against the mellow sky, black and sharp like soldiers in the distance waiting for night's arrival.

mexico is very much a third world country, though in the midst of high end resorts and tourist appeal we often tend to overlook the strong dichotomy of the highs and lows of society. temples built to worship and and cater to the wealthy constructed directly adjacent to run down shantys inhabited by the poorest of the poor...there's beauty in even the darkest places though. children run through the streets with all the stray dogs, playing with their soccer balls or their favorite bicycles, families taking hours to share meals together in the warm breezes of a springtime evening...

baja is a breathtakingly beautiful place- the coastline marked with deserted beaches, rocky cliffs, small family haciendas selling a variety of carne asada and mariscos, and endless stretches of empty desert. la Paz is a relatively quiet city on the southern peninsula, much less oriented towards avid "spring break-ers" than the nearby cabo san lucas; however it has just as much to offer, especially for people willing and looking for a little off-the beaten-path adventure. the people are nice, running and walking down the malecon (the main street of town) during the sherbert colored sunsets eating their own ice cream creations and partaking in the generally slow, soft, warm personality of the city.

i see myself coming back to this place sometime later, for there's a couple coves that need to be explored still, and of course Pedro down at "Moyeyo's" needs to be visited for a plate of his best fresh ceviche covered in lime juice and fresh avocados..

breath is so much more important

2009-02-25T20:41:00.000-08:00

inhale. exhale. since i started practicing yoga i've learned (or maybe just relearned) that breathing is everything.

lately i've been battling a cold. a lot of congestion built up right in the most important place...

we breathe so that our organs and vital systems can function, so that we can live. we breathe to maintain necessary homeostatic rhythms, so that our heart can beat. we breathe differently in satisfaction than disappointment, in pleasure than in deep sorrow. we breathe, always, even if we try not to. it seems like life is simply tenacious enough to keep breathing...

currently i am in training to become a better breather, in hopes that all that smooth flowing delicious enriching oxygen will permeate my entire being and help me to be, better.

mmm

lemons in life

2009-02-23T20:38:00.000-08:00

making limoncello is much more difficult than i would have imagined. lemon juice is too sour, you see, for the type of sweet, soft , sensual delight that is limoncello. its a crazy infusion of lemon rind soaked in vodka and mixed with a gentle sweet syrup, served cold with a burst of bright yellow zesty refreshment. i was convinced i could make it in an hour. turns out 10-14 days is the minimum you need to get the proper consistency and potency. hmmm

so i'm finding the same principles resonate throughout my life. like good friendships. you can't simply squeeze all that juice out and mix it with a bunch of other stuff and expect it to taste good or be long lasting at all. you have to let things soak, you have to slowly add the sugar, the substance, the color slowly slowly begins to glow....

just thinking about all the lemons i have. some of them are still on trees, waiting to fall off from the weight of their ripeness. some are getting a little soft sitting in my kitchen waiting to be used, squeezed, peeled. some are at that perfect plumpity, simply waiting to be rolled around and made into the best, most delicious lemonade or dressing you'll ever taste...

the music leads us

2009-02-19T21:52:00.000-08:00

the sounds and images and words you surround yourself with will, without fail, infect every part of you. lately i've had a cd stuck in my car that over the last 2 weeks has played nonstop, echoing sweet songs of true, raw worship. today my ipod repeated this song at least 5 times, filling me with a warmth and joy uncontainable...reminding me of who it is who knows me so well, who loves me so well, who feeds me and leads me....

"my heart beats today with a faster pace than blood can flow, with a fever my veins can't hold
oh hosanna, hosanna

my mind circles today with thoughts much to big to think, pictures and colors to bright to keep this old piece of clay that you've shaped for so many years, is about to burst as you're drawing near

hosanna, hosanna

come close my king who bears all my sorrows, who's crushed for me, who hears my praise, come close my king by your wounds i am saved.

hosanna, hosanna"

---on the uphill---

nothing like a rainy day

2009-02-05T17:11:00.000-08:00

there's a river of thoughts rushing through my head lately...especially today. it was one of those days that i woke up and everything was somehow off...my body was sick, my mind was running, my spirit was dry, my energy was very inward, closed.

and somehow in the midst of the puzzles and traps i can conjure for myself in my brain, whether i'm fussing about my schedule and how much reading i'm NOT going to get done before class or if i'm focusing on the deep longing in my heart to create art, music, poetry that will in some beautiful manner make tangible or bring to life my swirling emotions and yet not even being able to even comprehend or organize what those emotions are...somehow i make it through the day. somehow i make the time to sit and pray, to nourish my body slowly and thankfully, somehow it works out that i understand what i was supposed to understand for class and still have time to have meaningful conversations and fellowship with close friends...

i'm not sure how all these concepts, musings, questions or thoughts will take shape or when or even if they will at all...but i do know that the afternoon promised rain, and rain it did deliver. rain in the most cleansing, dimension increasing, rich, soothing, loosening and freeing way. i went for a walk, allowing the wetness to soak through the cold skin on my feet, let it drip of the tip of my warm lips, let it drench me in whatever magical, divine, blissful elixer it could... somehow the day ended up being pretty 'on'...

there's nothing like a rainy day to do me good, to bring clarity to all this haze...

till the next storm...b

glimpses of me: an entirely random amalgamation of thoughts

2009-01-24T21:10:00.000-08:00

i have perpetually cold extremities. therefore i love hot tea and moving my body to keep from being cold. i'm in the process of determining whether or not this is the result of anemia or simply all my energy and blood is swirling around in my heart and my mind lately and there has been little excess warmth to spread to those less 'significant' body parts.

i have recently become entirely too obsessed with almonds. pure unadulterated and chunky almond butter makes my mouth water even at sight of the jar. raw, non pasturized almonds, maybe mixed with a few cranberries or a bite of a perfect green apple. roasted almonds. sliced almonds, perhaps sprinkled over a salad or a fresh batch of cookies. almond based trail mix. almond milk. almond scented candles and body lotion.

i realize that there has been lately a constant stream of dreams, questions, dizzying emotions and thoughts running about my mind, buzzing up and down my spine, swirling in the very deepest of soul-corners. many of these thoughts have no particular logical coordination nor do they emphasize the need for outward expression, but i find that a good bunch of them are hardly coincidental, given the fact that i'm 21, graduating collge in 14 weeks, yearning to do good in the world and love God. in the grand scheme of life, all of these are good things, beautiful things, perfect things. in the more intimate reality of my self and my life often i find myself internally shouting at the top of my lungs trying to find some direction, trying to make sense of things and produce a creative outpouring of expression that could adequately purvey these thoughts... more and more it becomes an even bigger project, a perpetual and exponential game which i cannot escape. and yet even descartes claimed that to stop thinking is to stop existing...

i am unbelievably blessed and take my state of being for granted nearly every day. i know the god of the universe who loves me. he makes it clear every day with every gorgeous bit of nature, every soft tug on my heart. i have amazing friends, family and support. i am healthy, i have a home to call my own, i am a student, i have the awareness that the universe is all too grand for me to comprehend and that my small perspective on life is so limited, even if i presume the most open mind, but i am so willing to learn, to change, to love, to make decisions and to take action. i have clean underwear to wear everyday and access to really anything i could need.

i am me. just as i am in this very moment. i like who i am. i love where i've been and i'm excited for where im going, confident that the Lord will use me and bless me wherever that ends up being or wtith whomever or pursuing whatever.

desert camping part one

2009-01-19T17:31:00.000-08:00

there's a certain sense of hopelessness in the midst of the debilitating despair that so often people get trapped in. the sense that life somehow cannot go on, that all the pain and pressure and hurt and heaving of the earth, of humanity, is too great to endure...

and yet in the most brutal landscape, the desert, in the very thick of what seems desolate, dry, void of life...
it happens. life sprouts up all around us. plants will find their way to the endure through the scorching heat. creatures will find their nourishment. water will somehow seep into the small cracks of earth giving energy to every atom, every seed, every thirsty tree.

life is tenacious. in the desert, the plants and creatures, and people even, will survive. there is a will to survive. and if you look close enough, its not actually that desolate. there is a rugged beauty that exudes from the miles of open space, light and dark colorful hues that compose the soil, extreme dichotomies of sky and earth, peak and valley, shape and emptiness.

i think i'll spend more time in the desert. there's so much exploring to be done, so many campfires to enjoy, silly amalgamations of raw food to consume, so many starry skies to captivate me by...

life in hillcrest

2009-01-09T11:22:00.000-08:00

the new year passed for me in Colorado amongst close friends and family, with snow and champagne cascading down all around me...a somewhat quiet semblance of gold and grenadine that cast out 2008 and showered in the promises and hopes of 2009...

moving off point loma's campus could have been one of the best decision's i've made this year,
keeping in mind that only 8 days have passed this year, this is a largely relative statement.
i've moved to a little neighborhood called Hillcrest, where the restaurants, small businesses,
dog walkers, farmers market's and social butterflies are thriving.

i live with my best friend Megg and two other lovely ladies. We have a great house, lots of roome to dance and cook and play and write music and be comfortable, be hospitable, be the true windblown, earthy, creative gypsies we are.

Life here, especially this last week not having school or any big obligations besides my yoga and various lunch appointments with friends and little birds, is simple. i walk to the gym. i walk to the grocery store. the post office is just up the street, right next to the fresh flower guy, just across from my favorite thai restaurant, which is just a stone's throw away from balboa park where i can go play frisbee, run, take a nap, visit a museum, paint, get lost in the gardens or make friends with the elder members of the grass bowling club.

you see, hillcrest is so unique. besides the overly obvious and flaunted homosexual population here, the hillcrest neighborhood is funky. the streets are funky and full of flare. the houses are funky, old but contemporary. the people are funky, so many perosonalities, so many stories, so many different vibes being cast around during the day as you waltz down the street.

i suppose i fit pretty well here, keeping in mind my own funky, awkward, delicate, curious nature and lifestyle. i'm have high hopes for this place, the space Megg and I have created in our home, the adventures and people i will meet here, the challenges of living independently, the beauty of being in a 'real' neighborhood and the consistent pursuit of living out my desire to be Christlike, a good steward of God's love and provision... to love others and take responsibility for those around me, for myself, for my earth...

so here's a few blinks of life in hillcrest for you to try and piece together and stay on the journey with me... cheers to the new year

asking questions...looking in mirrors

2008-12-31T16:22:00.000-08:00

there are so many questions. its fascinating how the mind can work itself silly in deep ponderings...i took a walk today through the park at dusk, my mind was running so far ahead of my steps with questions about 'who am i', 'who is god', what do i want, what does god want, how can i use my talents, my relationships, my questions even, to glorify Him, what will the next year bring, what will the next week bring, am i healthy, are my friends and family healthy, what else can i be doing to pursue a deeper, more rich communion with my creator and to share and enjoy and explore all that that entails with those surrounding me?

i look up and see the cutest cotton-candy pink clouds. i am affirmed that however God works, it is always beautiful and good...later i look in the mirror and see my own eyes and my facial structure, see life being exuded out of a body that came from dust, amazed at how he creates and guides us in everything...relieved for a moment of all my questions...
-b

peace and chaos

2008-12-28T08:03:00.000-08:00

finding myself at somewhere around 12,000 ft elevation, surrounded by thick pine trees on a slope heavy laden with 2 feet of fresh powder, completely alone and completely awestruck at the silence, the majesty of my surroundings, the peacefulness of that moment, somehow a little saying from a card i once received flooded my mind...

was nietzsche on to something when he said, "one must still have chaos in oneself to give birth to a dancing star"?

i've been reading quite a bit since being on holiday (shocking that i still have any capacity for reading outside of school work), two books in particular that i have chosen to read simultaneously because each offers insight about god, people, and the processes of getting deeper and closer to to communion with Him, or 'the ultimate'.

in my short time here on earth i have come to realize that every person is innately broken. there's a certain degree of fragmentation within us, deeper than our physical bodies, minds and energies. there's a brokenness within our spirit, that stems from our "willful and chronic mistrust"(1) in god's Word and and his interaction with us. its almost as if we are limited from truly experiencing the peace, and unboundedness of God, of being His creation...there's a certain chaos in each human being that somehow manifests itself as a result of this, and i have found from history, stories, and testimonies that we're all doing the same thing... "the vast sea of humanity of which I am part is constantly looking for something, striving toward something, failing again and again and trying again and again" (2)

i suppose that when i read nietzsche's words i was struck with an enormous question: the chaos and commotion instilled in each individual soul can either be very destructive, causing us pain and trial as a result of repeated attempts to find peace, to find truth in things, places, or people where that peace does not exist...or it can propel us on our journeys, catalyzing in us creativity and productivity, introspection and intellectual pondering, relationships with one another and closer communion and depth of understanding of Who has created us.

so what is the dancing star? is it creativity? is it pleasure or joy or the beauty of our unique individuality? if we do find a release from our inner chaos, if we do find God and begin to trust Him, to submit ourselves to Him, to merge our souls into a peaceful communion with the Creator, does this eliminate our ability to give birth to those dancing stars? or will it somehow ignite our energies, sharpen our sensitivities, empower us to think and sing and grow and change and create and enjoy all the more as He intended us to do??? what about the snow covered peak? there is beauty and divinity even about an entire mountainside in perfect, untouched snow, but isn't it all the more thrilling and inspiring to see one perfect trail from a ski or snowboard running right through the middle of the untouched snow and to think about that path, that person's experience and journey, the little bit of chaos in the midst of a huge blanket of peace and perfection?

(1) "A New Way To Be Human" by Charlie Peacock
(2) "Midnights With a Mystic" by Cheryl Simone and Sadghuru Jaggi Vasudev

the beginning of it all, is it not?

2008-12-25T20:36:00.001-08:00

'oh come oh come Emmanuel, and ransom captive Israel'

Christmas season has rested heavily and wonderfully upon me this year. I''ve found my way back to Colorado, met by the chilly mountain air and the bright-sunshine-dancing-delightful-mornings...I've been surrounded by warm fires, smiles, good music, an abundance of rich food (maybe too rich for my little gypsy body to handle), and an overwhelming sense that people are finally understanding what Christmas is all about...that because of the beautiful and gentle light that has been given us, someday, somehow it's all going to make sense and be made right...

I'm chalk full of images of my 6 nieces and nephews playing with the nativity set, making thank you cards for Saint Nicolas, gathering round the tree in hopes of opening presents, images of delicate hearts and delicate spirits being loved and guided and adored as we also gather to love and adore the gentle one who guides us...
...now i'm ready for another day, another chance to breathe and sing and stretch and praise God for his magnificent beauty and creation and love. ready to catch some powder on those mountains that have been, for weeks now, beckoning me....

-b-